Sup y’all, hope the past week has been full of exciting activities and possibilities. As for me i have been hibernating, eating all the junk food i can acquire and i think i have watched every series episode on Netflix. I am winning in life. More over i did some spring cleaning in my life, got rid of irrelevant people who were just plain toxic and filled with negative energy.
Moving right along, i hate the new snapchat update, like bruh who told them to immediately move to the next story without my permission. Yesterday as i was going through the stories, DJ Khaled’s snapchat came up and the first thing that hits you are his boobs. This nigga must have a bigger Bra size than me, i had nightmares (jk) but seriously why traumatize my innocent soul like that why? Yes you have high self esteem but why cause universal blindness with your body being displayed on snapchat. This is why clothes were invented.
Anyway, putting the fat umpa lumpa aside, i recently found my old journal that i had when i was about 16 years old. I read through it and smiled when i recalled some of the memories but one thing that was really evident is that i have changed so much since then. I was the typical 16 year old. I was in love with the idea of love, i liked wearing pink(my room was pink), i had a HUGE crush on a guy who is still in my life currently, i was actually nice to people and most importantly, i was not afraid of feelings.
This might be confusing, lemme break it down to you, right now in 2016 if you want to make Lutfiya uncomfortable and make me start sweating, bring up topics of feelings, love and trust. I will start shivering, literally cause i just cant handle that. I prefer talking about someone else’s feelings but not my own. For one main reason. i think i don’t have any and if i do i don’t know how to express them.
When i was 16 i found it so easy to express myself but that was then. Alot has happened since then and dealing with feelings has become my kryptonite . I find it easier being called a heartless bitch because that’s kinda what i am, i push people away and those who try and get close are immediately shot down.
I am who i am because of experiences and frankly its better as i know, that not any one day will anyone break me into pieces or cause me any heart ache for ‘having feelings for them’ and with this trend i will most likely end up being a cat lady with about 100 cats and goats and sheep and the whole farm at my crib ,i don’t mind that actually. LOL!!
So to my dear ex-friend who called me out for not caring about other people you are so wrong. i care about people more than you can imagine but i will never show it cause human beings have a tendency of hurting other human beings and to those i have pushed away please try and understand, you were dealing with an injured soul who is still trying to put herself back together.
(p.s. i’m still crazy don’t get it twisted)